Disagreeing on How Many Kids to Have

You are ready for another child - you want to start the process of getting pregnant and you want another baby. You approach your significant other and they immediately shoot down the idea. They do not want another kid right now, and they do not believe they’ll ever want one. You’re devastated and not sure what to do. Know that you are not alone - parents all over the world face this same dilemma.

Having a single child is a huge responsibility. Some people are more ready than others to have a child. Some people don’t want children at all. Ideally, you’ve at least discussed the idea of children with your significant other before you’re too far in your relationship. If you’ve never discussed the topic before, then you should figure out how to approach the topic because outside of money, it’s one of the biggest dividers among couples.

Yes, people have the right and ability to change their mind. Just because you don’t want children today doesn’t mean you won’t want them tomorrow. Similarly, you may have wanted children at one point, but that’s no longer the case. These are conversations that you should be having in your relationship as your feelings change. Rather than keeping your feelings to yourself, discuss them with the other partner.

If you find you’re at an impasse, then you need to work through next steps. Separation is obviously a choice, but there are plenty of other effects that will have on your relationship and personal well-being, and if you already have kids then that likely isn’t the best option. The other option is to simply have another child even if one of the parents doesn’t want to - that’s also a questionable decision.

Don’t be hasty to decide something on the decision of having a child if both parents aren’t committed from the start. This will lead to resentment with at least one, if not both parties. Children can also recognize the tension and discord in adults even if they can’t verbally express what they are feeling. Having a child when both parents are not committed will generally lead to sadness for multiple parties.

Agreements that you (or your partner) will do everything for the child is not a way to resolve this decision either. While you may be able to live up to that agreement, it’s also a way for the person that wants the child to get what they want with the hope that their partner will change their mind. If they don’t change their mind, then simply expect more resentment on both sides as both will feel as if things aren’t fair.

The best option for working through this type of disagreement is going to be seeking professional help. They will be able to help you work through your feelings and be a mediator in discussions that may otherwise become heated. Having another child is a serious question that should have everyone in agreement on the decision. Getting both parties in agreement before the decision will almost always end better.

Don’t rush into having a child if both parents are not in agreement of having that second child. In the long run, everyone will be happier and it will increase the chances for success in your family.